bathing suit

(no subject)

i feel like i've lost complete control of my life.
and every day i wake up feeling more and more miserable.
and every time i try to make it better, i end up feeling worse
or making situations worse.
i dunno what to do anymore. :(
bathing suit

(no subject)

i've just realized how much my life has changed in the past 5 years. it's crazy.
a week ago, it would have been 5 years for me and pete.
and i think of myself then... and now i see myself now.
and think of everything that's gone on in just 5 years.
i've been extremely happy, extremely hurt, felt like i was never going to make it.
i've lived in another country!
i found the love of my life, after going through about half of the men in the world to find him.
(who would have known the love of my life would have been my high school crush? haha)
i have some crazy stories to tell the kids and grandkids someday (most of the stories can only be told when they're at least 25 years old haha).
i've matured a ton - from my wild & crazy gallivants with boys and irresponsible party nights with my girls... to a focused, goal-oriented student with an extreme love for her boyfriend <3
i've lost some friends, and gained some new ones.
i have the best group of friends a girl could ever ask for.
i'm finishing up the college game.
and getting ready to move on with my life.
and i can't even imagine how much my life will change in the next 5 years after this.
it's crazy, but it's wonderful.
for the first time i'm in my life, i'm 100% happy & content with everything in my life.
only took me 5 years, thought i wasn't going to make it.
but everything turned out wonderfully.
and i just know these next 5 years will have their ups & downs too, but everything will work out wonderfully... life is good <3


...this whole thing sounds super gay haha.
bathing suit

(no subject)

I wish Ryan and I could just start our lives right now.
We have all these things planned, and want it so bad... and it's just not possible.
And it breaks my heart :(
bathing suit

(no subject)

life is good.
i feel accomplished.
and for once i have everything i want in my life & know it's exactly what i want to have and do.
i think i finally learned how to balance all the aspects in my life to make everything work.
it's a good feeling. <3
bathing suit

(no subject)

it really amazes me when people say they're going to do something... then actually do it.
i dunno why. maybe because i'm just so used to people saying shit to me but then not backing it up...
he changed.
he actually loves me. crazy <3
bathing suit

(no subject)

so pretty much, my friends are amazing. and i love you guys.
just throwing that out there based on the responses from my last lj entry (which i dunno why i even posted. i'm mighty fucking gay for putting something so long and crazy on lj but hey, it happens)... also, not just cuz of the last lj entry, but just in general, my friends are amazing. and i feel so detached from all of you lately. i miss you all <3
bathing suit

freaking the fuck out.

Trust issues…. why do I have trust issues? For the first time in my life, I found a person who cares about me no matter what I do. I can be myself around them, and they love me. Yet, I find myself second guessing how he feels. Sometimes I think it’s just too soon. He can’t possibly love me. But I love him, so that would just make me hypocritical to think that way.
Really though, I just don’t want to get my hopes up I think. If I believe he loves me, and then it happens that the usual happens and I get dicked over, I will be crushed. And I know how that feels. And I cannot let that happen to myself yet another time.
I feel like I just had this talk a couple months ago with someone I’m close to. About how it was awesome that I became a cold-hearted bitch because it made me funny; I just didn’t give a fuck about anything. But at the same time, it wasn’t healthy. And I had to learn to let people in. And at the beginning of the summer I thought I was doing good with that. For the first time in my life, I had a best friend. One person I confined in and was close with and was able to spend almost all my time with and always have fun and never be sick of. And I had an amazing group of friends I loved being around. And then I met Ryan and it was incredible – We pretty much clicked the second we started hanging out. And it’s not like anything traumatic happened to shake anything. Things are still going great. With my friends and my love life. But since they are going so great, I can’t help but become the Debbie Downer and start to wonder when it’s going to fall apart. I don’t want it to, but that’s just what I’m so used to. It’s definitely not a normal thought, but look at it this way…
The first boyfriend I ever had. The first guy to ever give me the time of day. Fucking hardcore dicked me over. And yes, I know it’s not my fault. And I’m not the only one. But it still happened. And it still fucked me up. There is one incident that I rarely ever talk to about to anyone, and I told Ryan about it. And he just kind of brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal. But to me, it is a big deal. And talking about it was a break down of my wall. It’s an incident that, for years, I blamed myself for. Why didn’t I just leave? Why didn’t I fight back? I lead myself to believe that I was a weak person. I stayed. I let it happen. I deserved to be treated that way for being so stupid in the whole situation. Years later, I know that it wasn’t my fault and yes, I’m not the only one. But it still happened. And every once in a while, as much as I try to be okay with it, it comes back to haunt me. Especially since I do see him more than I did before. I went years without seeing him, just because I did not want to have to deal with how I felt. But to be with my boyfriend, it’s a sacrifice I have to make. And I’m willing to make it. It’s just that it’s harder than I thought sometimes. And I don’t have feelings for him. At all. I’m actually repulsed by the fact that I ever was attracted to him. But it’s just what happened and the person that he is that makes me sick. And fucks with my head a little bit.
And it’s just not that one. I’ve had a series of not-so-nice boyfriends. I had a boyfriend who I saw cheat on me, because he invited me to where him and his friends were. He wanted me to see him cheat. I had a boyfriend who started hanging out with his ex-girlfriend behind my back, lying to me about where he was. I had a boyfriend who broke up with me because he told me I wasn’t attractive to him anymore. I had a boyfriend who from the minute we started dating put me on a diet where every time I ate one bit of food, I was told how I was going to become fat and he wasn’t going to like me anymore. When we went out and got food places, I wasn’t allowed to get anything
And the guys I hooked up with. First of all, the fact that I was always good enough to hook up with, but never good enough to date was always an issue for me. I try to play it off like I was just having fun, but it hurts always being “that girl.” And they weren’t even nice guys which was the sad part. I’ve hooked up with a guy because they wanted to have a fling while they were fighting with their girlfriend. I hooked up with who I thought was my best friend, and then he told everyone how I was a slut less than 12 hours later. I hooked up with a guy that I really liked, and it turned out he was only hooking up with me because he was setting up me in a scheme to make me look shitty to one of my exes. I hooked up with a guy for four years of my life. Four of them. And got closer to him than I got to any other guy in my life. Told him everything. He could read me like a book. Four fucking years. But yet, we never dated. I was never good enough, and was too stupid to read through his bullshit to know that I deserved better. He would always tell me how our situation worked the way it was, why should we change it? Or that I deserved better, that I really didn’t want to date him. Right. Stupid fucking me. Again, one of those things that I beat myself up over all the time. I feel like I should have known better.
I started dating when I was 15. And have had just the shittiest luck in the world. And I know that I can’t always be down on myself. And I know that good things do happen from time to time to people, and this may be my good thing. But it’s just so hard to trust when I’ve been hurt so much. I’m mighty afraid to let my guard down, but I’m getting there. It’s just taking me more time than I thought. I really do love him too, and I care about him an awful lot – so I know how much it hurts him to hear that I don’t think he loves me all the time. For the most part, I believe that he loves me. I really do. I just have those moments where I freak out about how much I’m letting him into my life where I think “well, what if he really doesn’t? Then what do I do?” And I really don’t know what I would do without him in my life, and that scares me so much. I don’t want to be that vulnerable to another person ever again, but I know it’s inevitable. And it’s normal. But it’s fucking scary. I constantly afraid that if I don’t look a certain way, he’ll leave me. If I say a certain thing, he’ll be mad. If I get fat, he’ll hate me. I know, it’s ridiculous. But I can’t help it. And he says he would never do any of that, and I’m getting a little better at believing him. But it’s taking me time. And after time, my mind is more manic than usual, thinking about how abnormal I really am. People don’t have situations come along this great in their lives, and sit around second guessing the other person’s every motive. Like, the other day, I actually thought Ryan just used me to get himself into school, and once he started he was going to leave me. I’m ridiculous. It needs to stop; I need to seriously start working on this. But I just really hope Ryan realizes that I am trying my hardest, and just be patient with me…